Vipassana
‘Ik ben nu 5 jaar clean. Daarvoor ben ik lang verslaafd geweest, hard drugs ja. Ik wil mezelf beter leren kennen.’ Aldus het antwoord van Paul op de vraag wat ons hier bracht, dit groepje van 11 cursisten dat wekelijks wil mediteren volgens de Vipassana-methode. Sjonge. Open van hem. De anderen roepen iets over ontspanning, de kracht van samen mediteren of zomaar nieuwsgierigheid. Paul heeft kort stug haar, een plat achterhoofd en hij draagt standaard een rood t-shirt met korte mouwen en een aftandse joggingbroek die ooit zwart geweest moet zijn. Vriendelijke bruine ogen, een glimlach, bewegelijke armen en benen. Mijn oog valt regelmatig op de littekens op zijn onderarmen.
Paul is er bijna elke keer. Dapper dat hij blijft komen: lange tijd stilzitten, aandacht op de ademhaling, op wat je voelt in je lichaam, je denken steeds stoppen; zo aangenaam is het niet. Verveling, pijn, tijd beter kunnen gebruiken, slaperigheid. Ik ben iedere keer blij als het er op zit. Paul heeft zijn impulsen vaak al gevolgd voordat hij ze opmerkte: al gekrabd aan die neus voor hij doorhad ‘Hé ik heb jeuk.’ Maar na een paar weken gaat het beter en kan hij meer concentratie opbrengen.
Een van de terugkerende instructies is letten op waar je aandacht naar afdwaalt: iets uit het verleden, heden of toekomst. Een andere is opmerken of je iets als prettig, neutraal of onprettig waardeert. We zijn er maar druk mee.
Paul fascineert me en ik wil hem al vanaf die eerste avond iets aardigs zeggen over zijn openheid. Maar ja, hoe slijmerig is dat? Bovendien, maak ik hem daarmee niet nog meer ‘die ex-junk’? Als ik ’t al zeg, is dan het beste moment vooraf in de keuken waar iedereen thee drinkt, of juist naderhand, in de lange gang bij het weggaan, of buiten bij de fietsen?
De oplossing dient zich vanzelf aan: de cursus wordt afgesloten met een weekend, dan is er vast een onbewaakt ogenblik waarin ik hem mijn, ja wat is het, respect, bewondering, kan tonen. Tevreden. Om half tien op zaterdagochtend noemt de leraar wie er later komen. Ik kijk rond. ‘En Paul?’ – ‘Paul komt niet meer, hij vond het toch te zwaar.’ Ik hap naar adem. Van binnen dan. Een serie vloeken door mijn hoofd – denken.
Spijt is ‘verleden’ plus zeer ‘onprettig’.
Paul heet in werkelijkheid anders.
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